ACT 4| TOO PROUD TO SAY IM SLIPPIN

I won’t be answering, anything. I’ll  be so busy, with my knees on the ground, and hands up towards the clouds, confessing out loud. ~Pause-Interlude: Jill Scott  

It’s not just me. I’ve come to understand that everyone has a hard time being a human in someway or another.  And thats putting it politely. Most people are winging it!  

I’m not sure where I would be without the high hopes and assumptions of family and friends; the people who see the good in me that I have yet to discover. If I could be honest, I would profess that I’ve been running off those expectations for years. But there have been times where those thoughts couldn't help put the pieces of me back together. Those fond motives seem distant when my career still resembles an internship and my personal life is filled with empty promises. Shit, maybe I'm not that great.

During those moments the dichotomy of me (strong, free spirited, and confident) interjects to yield my purpose.

I’ve diagnosed this habitual addiction of self-doubt as mental dysmorphic disorder. Like body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), you can not control the negative thoughts and don’t believe people who recognize your talent and remind you of your accolades. The side effects to this condition are uncomfortable as you can imagine, whispering rapidly in your ear like an late night Viagra ad as you try to fall asleep.

The disclaimer reads: These thoughts may cause emotional distress and interfere with fundamental growth. Any mention of negativity or setback is not dismissed but internalized as confirmation that one is not good enough. 

The cure you ask? 
Fuck if I know!
Life is full of circumstances, and with that comes the responsibility to move forward the best way you can. Warning! This accountability thing is much easier said than done.

Peace,

Alex 

ACT 3| Unapologetically Unprepared

This post is dedicated to a dear friend, who pushes me to look at my natural idiosyncrasies and develop them into thought provoking prose to honestly describe the texture of my life. Thanks C

I guess nobody ever told you. All you must hold on to. Is you, is you, is you~ Bag Lady: Erykah Badu

So I began this journey out of sheer vanity. Being a new member of the non-purse carrying variety came about because my taste in bags are considerable and my income is not. I’ve matured, I prefer to spend my hard earned money on booze and shelter (not necessarily in that order).

Carrying a purse has not cramped my masculine style and my boyish charm what so ever. I’m a real lady, peppering my sentences with curse words that would make any mother proud; queen of the 5 second rule. But when asked how I feel without my purse, the reply accompanied no hesitation. Unprepared. Without my trusted junk keeping spine re-aligning accessory, one is faithfully rendering the expectation for the day with only what can be held in pocket or in a puffy coat. No room for makeup reapplications, once it’s off it’s off.

Sweater and Jacket Madewell / Skirt - Uniqulo /Shoes-Vagabond

Photo's by Stacey Belko

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Shoulders and forearm unoccupied, ready to embrace the world with complete access to its purse free capabilities. After this experience I'm feeling more enlightened to a new perspective. Walking around sans purse for a while has left me more confident that like men, I can unapologetically flounce through life, open and unbound.

With that being said, this year I plan to collect less stuff and go on more adventures.

Act 2| LET IT BE

It don't have to be so hard, we don't have to go there. If it is what's gon be, we don't have to worry~Be Easy: Alice Smith 

I often times find myself overanalyzing the simplest ideas. For instance “making it work”. What does that mean? And why when ones testimony is changed from making to forcing does that statement abruptly loose it’s charm? Like the difference between describing an apartment as cozy instead of small. This small distinction has been on my mind for months. When will I know that MY wording has changed? Realizing the ability to adapt to different practices when you don't intrinsically want to, is in fact force; did not at all register to me.

There is a theory called the Michelangelo phenomenon, named after the Renaissance artist, who viewed sculpting as an opportunity to reveal it’s ideal figure from the block of stone. The ideal figure exists within the stone, and the artist simply removes the stone covering it. (source)

It was then that I was able to comprehend the difference in the two concepts (making/forcing). In any relationship, the people you surround yourself with should help not hinder your growth in becoming your ideal self. The relationships that seem to be forced, works against seeing the beauty in ones autonomy. Their approach pushes for sacrifice at your expense. 

Making it work, rather suggest that the relationships in your life can be challenging, but are also duly affirming in helping you represent the you that is instinctive yet apprehensive to it's calling.

Sweater and Jacket Thirfted / Skirt - Brandy Meville (similar)/Shoes-Balenciaga

Photo's by Erica Lavelanet

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I aspire to one day honestly answer the question "What makes you beautiful?" as Melissa Harris Perry did at some point during this interview.
She says, “ It’s probably because I’m irrefutably my self. Even when I try really hard not to be, I just come pushing out the sides eventually.”

I WANT THAT FOR ME!!
Thus the conditions of my current and future relationships
are not limited to, but certainly must now REQUIRE
the promise to appreciate me for who I am and the person that I choose to become!

peace Xx

Act 1| SUBTLE CHANGES &17 BABY MAMAS ENDING IN AN EPIPHANY

It’s power in them rolling hills~The Light Of The Sun: Jill Scott

Not much has changed from the outside.Other than…I think I’ve finally grown into my head.  I’ve gained a few, of course never in the places that bring any joy to men, but I gave that hope up a long time ago. After all, what I lack, I more than make up for in personality, is what I tell myself. Oh and I’ve discovered a few new freckles and spots other than the ones that I have grown accustomed to.

But I’m different now.Life has happened to me a few times and I’ve handled it a lot poorer than I would have imagined. I’ve experienced some hard truths, internalized them, and summarized these particulars into how I like to put it, things I did and allowed to happen from my broken place. If I’m honest with myself, I can tell you that it is more like me to do everything but go through pain. Hard headed is what some would call it, but I’m more familiar with this sequence as fear.

Jacket-Aritria (similar) / Dress- Topshop (similar)/Boots- Vagabond 
Photo's by Erica Lavelanet

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But as a wise TV life coach devoted to fixing peoples lives told me (directly through my humble but beloved 24” screen) “extended and extensive pain will render you unconscious” because I know that I wasn’t the only one who was affected by the 4 part series of the man with 40 kids. Yes, I am aware that this is not breaking news/this ain't new. I also know that I wasn’t the only one conveniently streaming this from YouTube. Not because I am one of those cool people who doesn’t have time for TV, but because I am not one of those cute girls who moved to Bed Stuy because it was up and coming (and slightly gentrified); it is what I can barely afford, and cable is just not one of those luxuries at the moment.

But back to my epiphany, and the new affirmation that I have began to chant to quietly comfort me throughout my day:

“This is your journey, your testimony, continue to embrace the challenges and be forgiving to yourself” also followed by breathe and I’m not going to die” helps too. What I take from this is that prolonging your pain only makes less sense of the lessons that life is trying to teach you.

peace Xx